It starts with these flashes. Divided by a common language we tripped on thunder in the airwaves. It was all about trying to make sense of the world, ourselves and the universe.

You start off looking for answers... Breaking things down, deconstructing everything. Peering beneath the surface of just about everything reveals such infinite depths it makes your head spin into a fever of mania. Understanding religion and spirituality. Analysing consciousness. Always pushing and pushing at the walls of reason. Getting the brain to analyse itself. Scratching away at the seams of reality.

At this weight, things buckle.

Who is the hammer and who is the candle? Sometimes i find it hard to take anything at all seriously... Compassion fatigue... Cold Number Fingers clutched around the Cold Glass Vodka bottle, bruised and bleeding, all over the car park. Sometime i find it hard to find a point to any of it... it's not that feeling of being a speck versus the enormity of the entire universe... more the insignificance of existing for only a blink of an eye releative to time itself. But then aren't size and time really the same thing? We are feeble and we are powerless, anything else is just illusion. delusion. drunk on our own self-importance, ultimate enlightenment. You're not sure who or what is real any more. And everyone needs security, or at least a vague sense of continuity. It's all just bits of a learning curve where behind each answer is another question, and beneath each question is a thousand more questions. Logic becomes twisted, burnt and buckled like the metal debris strewn after an aeroplane gives up and falls out of the sky.

You want to scream. You're not sure if you did just scream. You don't know who you are, starting at the dumb f**k in the mirror. Millions of years of evolution for this? Yes you could toppled the world, but can you get out your front door? We all waste ourselves. Panicked eyes and rapid breath. Heart flutter or discreet alert? It's not that I'm paranoid, you are not paranoid enough. As you/I approach breadking point there are these white flashes of light that only I/you can see. They are in our head. And it means we're close. It does mean we're close. no go on machine electrics spiral cut myself before when reason was choice before worms now everything is nothing nothing nothing is everything sliding and important learning and we falling must be burning the constant ever fearing life scared in the silent void that waits for us inside we will fight yes we will fight forever

(c) 2004 History Of Guns